http://www.troubledwith.com/Relationships/A000000830.cfm?topic=relationships%3A%20divorce

THE EFFECTS OF DIVORCE

by Amy Desai, J.D.

No couple goes into marriage thinking they will be the ones who won’t make it. Certainly, at your wedding, you thought you were promising a love that would last a lifetime. Now, for reasons you may not fully understand, that dream seems shattered.

As you try to understand the pain and determine what to do, divorce may look like an appealing way out. “After all,” you might reason, “life is full of second chances. Perhaps I simply married the wrong person, and Mr. or Mrs. Right is still out there somewhere.” You may think you were too young when you married, or that you never really loved your spouse. You just convinced yourself it would be better than being alone. Or maybe you are just tired of the arguing, tired of the lack of communication, tired of the coldness in your relationship. Perhaps you simply want out — period. Or maybe you are hoping against hope that your marriage can be salvaged.

Before you bail out of your marriage, look at what you’ll be diving into. Most people are not prepared for the challenges of post-divorce life.

How would divorce affect me?

Sherry and Rob tried to spare their children the details of their breakup. Their marital problems were further complicated by Rob’s affair with the secretary at the church he was pastoring. Without a college education, Sherry was forced to move back in with her parents, where she continues to live 12 years later. At one point, she attempted to recover the $100,000 in child support Rob hadn’t paid over time but was only able to get $18,500 — barely enough to pay a few of the bills that had been piling up.

Sherry’s story points out one all-too-real fact of divorce: Post-divorce families usually suffer financially. Studies show that women experiencing divorce face roughly a 30 percent decline in the standard of living they enjoyed while married and men show a 10 percent decline. The consistency of this finding caused one researcher to conclude: “However ‘prepared’ for marital disruption women increasingly may be, they are not prepared in ways sufficient to cushion the economic cost.” 1

And remember — that’s all after the fact. The divorce itself can be a financial hurdle. While some divorce proceedings are relatively inexpensive, the fees can soar. Each case will vary. Attorney John Crouch describes it this way: You can get [a divorce] for under $10,000 per spouse in lawyer fees if you’re lucky and if both the spouses and their lawyers are reasonable and fair. [This does not include what the divorce] does to the standard of living, [or] having to pay [child] support, [or] the expenses of visitation. But you really can’t predict [even] that. ... Either side can pull all kinds of stuff in court that just makes both the lawyers waste time until one client runs out of money. I just finished one case where they settled, but then the husband had to spend $70,000 just to enforce the settlement agreement! 2

But there’s more to life than money. There are many other areas where men and women are affected by divorce. With more than 30 years of research, we now know divorce seldom leads to a better life. Consider that:

• Life expectancies for divorced men and women are significantly lower than for married people (who have the longest life expectancies). 3
• A recent study found those who were unhappy but stay married were more likely to be happy five years later than those who divorced.4
• The health consequences of divorce are so severe that a Yale researcher concluded that “being divorced and a nonsmoker is [only] slightly less dangerous than smoking a pack a day and staying married.” ⁵
• After a diagnosis of cancer, married people are most likely to recover, while the divorced are least likely to recover,6 indicating that the emotional trauma of divorce has a long-term impact on the physical health of the body.
• Men and women both suffer a decline in mental health following divorce, but researchers have found that women are more greatly affected.7 Some of the mental health indicators affected by divorce include depression, hostility, self-acceptance, personal growth and positive relations with others.

¹ Pamela J. Smock, "The Economic Costs of Marital Disruption for Young Women over the Past Two Decades." Demography 30 (1993): 353-371.

² John Crouch, "Virginia"s No-Fault Divorce Reform Bill," interview with John Crouch and Jim Parmelee on Television Channel 10, Fairfax, VA, www.divorcereform.org.

³ Robert Coombs, "Marital Status and Personal Well-Being: A Literature Review,"Family Relations 40 (1991):97-102; I. M. Joung, et al., "Differences in Self-Reported Morbidity by Marital Status and by Living Arrangement," International Journal of Epidemiology 23 (1994): 91-97.

⁴ Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher, The Case for Marriage (New York: Doubleday, 2000), p. 148.

⁵ Harold J. Morowitz, "Hiding in the Hammond Report," Hospital Practice (August 1975), p. 39.

⁶ James S. Goodwin, William C. Hunt, Charles R. Key and Jonathan M. Sarmet, "The Effect of Marital Status on Stage, Treatment, and Survival of Cancer Patients," Journal of the American Medical Association 258 (1987): 3125-3130.

⁷ Nadine F. Marks and James D. Lambert, "Marital Status Continuity and Change among Young and Midlife Adults: Longitudinal Effects on Psychological Well-being,"Journal of Family Issues 19 (1998): 652-686.

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(nuril's feedback)

on this articles...it shows us about the negative feedback about divorce.

so what we can do to get the positive feedback from this situation?

If you’re having trouble letting go:

There is life after this marriage As hard as it is to believe right now, one day this marriage will just be something you did once. You’ll go on and you’ll have what you create.Get out of denial and Ask yourself: Do you really want this marriage, or are you hanging onto it out of fear? If being alone is a scarier thought than staying in a broken marriage, you’re letting fear make your decisions. Are you mourning the loss of what your marriage was, or what you thought marriage would be? Don’t burn daylight-grieving doesn't have a time frame on it, but life does. Whether you realize it or not, life is marching on. There comes a time when you have to accept the fact and say, "I've got to get on with my life, I've got to get on with raising my children, I've got to get on with putting things together where I can be a happy, meaningful, productive member of society." Find a way to put one foot in front of the other and move forward. Take the catastrophic language out of your mind 

"My life is over," "I've lost everything," and "Things are horrible" are labels that can have a powerful impact on how you feel. Recognize that it’s factually not true. Your life isn't over, it’s just a new beginning for you. Changing the negative tapes that run in your head can change how you physically feel. Don’t waste time with regret At some point you have to say, "It is what it is." You can’t do anything about what you did before; but you can do a lot about what you’re doing now. Be an example for your children What kind of mom do you think your kids are experiencing when you’re sitting around and crying and looking over your shoulder at what was instead of what is? You've accepted it. Now it’s time to jumpstart your life!

Define a new relationship with your ex for your children.Your old relationship was husband and wife, your new relationship is as common allies of your children.Talk to your kids,Divorce can create emotional wounds in children. Talk to them about what’s going on, what they’re feeling, and how things will get better. Involve them. If they know there are things they can do to help this transition, it will give them a feeling of power.Make a plan Assess your situation financially, look at your resources to see what your options are in terms of housing, job and finances. Create a support squad 

Ask for help. People appreciate being asked for help. It’s a gift to them to allow them to be there for you. Create a support squad of your closest friends who won’t mind providing you with emotional support, professional guidance and ongoing inspiration. Realize that you’re not the first person to go through this. Get your resources and assets around you 

Do everything you can to program yourself for success. Find out what your strengths and skills are and focus on them to help move you in a new and positive direction. Everybody has a personal truth — what you believe about yourself when nobody’s watching. Remember that you will create the results in life that you believe you deserve.Make time for yourself 

Make a priority to be a little selfish and do something just for yourself. The most important gift you can give your children is to take care of their parents. Try a new class, start exercising, or reconnect with an old hobby you’ve forgotten about. 

Make your dream homesick not the end of the world if you have to change houses. Know that you and your kids are going to create memories there and that’s what makes it a dream home.Find your authentic self Although you may no longer be one half of a couple, you are still 100 percent the person who you are. Find that person again. Find your passion 

What is it that will make you excited to get out of bed every day? Make a list of what you can do to reach your goals. Have some joy with your kids Choose to live with some fun in your new life. Create new memories with your children that will carry them into the future with self-esteem, confidence and happiness.Protect yourself in the future 

It’s important to always look at a relationship and ask yourself, "What’s it costing me to be in this relationship?" If you totally lose yourself in it, then the cost is too high.